Radioactive Technical Fabrics!!!

“Oh…it looks good on you, though.”  -Al Czervik, Caddyshack

In addition to my new shoes, I decided to stock on up running clothes over Labor Day weekend.  September really is like Christmas for this tubby stumbler.

Because I am not made of money, I want the cheapest comfortable gear I can get my hands on, because I’ve learned the hard way that no matter how well I care for it (better than I used to, but I’m still often forced to stuff wet gear into a suitcase for the day, or “bake-dry” it in a rental car) it will fall apart and/or smell like hot greasy death before I know it.  Therefore, Nike, Under Armour, and whoever else can suck it; I prefer the Champion C9 line, which is carried exclusively by Target.  Insert joke here, about “exclusively” and “Target” appearing in the same sentence.

Since I do the majority of my runs before most of the world gets out of bed, visibility is of paramount importance.  This means I deliberately select colors that I would otherwise not be caught dead wearing.  Luckily for me, one of my favorite colors has always been “Highway Safety Cone, with a Whisper of Salmon.”

This photograph really does not do it justice.  I’m can’t be absolutely certain of this, but I think the label describes the fabric content as “99.5% Polyester, 0.5% Plutonium-239.”  When I showed this piece of haute couture to Lady Legs-o-Lead, she was temporarily blinded.  And her hair started falling out.

Because we live in a century-old home with period-appropriate closet space (i.e., hardly any), and also enjoy pretending we’re still in college, we keep some of our clothing – and all of my running gear – in a re-purposed bookcase in our bedroom.  I was a little bit worried that the glow from this shirt would keep my lovely bride awake at night, so I usually hide it under several pair of old, crotch-rotted compression shorts.  I’m a little bit afraid of being subjected to “enhanced” security screening at the airport, so I think I’ll have to leave this item behind when I skip town on business.

Suffice it to say, if I’m ever vaporized by a motor vehicle while out on an early morning run, it will probably not have been an accident.


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